Dear Double Take:How common is it for divorced people to remain close friends after the divorce? I ask this because my boyfriend of 9 months has been divorced from his wife for about 5 years now. From what he tells me, it was quite a rocky and intense relationship that ended because she was so extreme that he considered her physically dangerous to himself and their two boys.
Last summer, they started "hanging around" together as a family -- until he met me, that is. Now she has threatened to keep him from the kids, who are now teenagers, and see her attorney again about child support, etc. She has professed her undying love for him and told him that he had better quit seeing me. Well, he has not. In fact, we are very in love with each other.Recently, she has started to be nice to him, which has me nervous and him relieved. She refuses to contact him at home (we live together) or at the cell phone he carries because we share a line. She will only do "business" with him at his work number or via his work e-mail. She recently broke into his truck and stole several personal items of mine, including a spendy pair of prescription sunglasses.But he refuses to say anything to her, and worse yet, continues to carry on a very "friendly" relationship with her consisting of daily "how are you?" e-mails and phone calls. When I try to talk to him about this, he says he has done nothing wrong and that I shouldn't ask him to carry a grudge. He also goes out of his way to make sure that she doesn't see us "together." For instance, if we are driving around an area that he suspects she might be, we will drive miles around it.He says that these are my issues. Please offer me some perspective.
ALANA SAYS:Having never been divorced -- or dated a divorced guy -- I don't claim to know what's going on between your boyfriend and his ex. But I have some pretty good guesses.
1. The ex has professed her undying love for your guy. She probably came to the realization that threatening him and being nasty wasn't going to win him over, so she's switched tactics.
2. Your boyfriend is responding, probably because -- as you said -- he's relieved that she's being friendly, since they
do have to communicate.
My gut feeling is that you trust your boyfriend and don't really believe he'd run back to his ex. You're just irritated that you're being left out of the process -- and that he's going to such pains to hide your relationship.
The ex's calls and e-mails aren't anything to get worked up about. But you're justified in being upset about your boyfriend going out of his way not to be seen with you. I'm guessing he's doing it just to "keep the peace," but by doing so, he's probably giving his ex other ideas ... like a reconciliation might be possible.
He should be as friendly as he can be, but he shouldn't be hiding any part of his life. You're his girlfriend, and the ex has to deal with it.
EDDIE SAYS:Let's assume that your boyfriend isn't intentionally giving mixed signals to his ex. She's pulled out some big guns -- threatening legal action and less time with his kids -- so he has reason to tiptoe around her.
You do need to explain that you don't want him to hold a grudge, but that if you're going to have a relationship, you can't feel like you have to sneak around.
Because he's apparently dealing with a vindictive and cruel woman, he'll need to get some legal advice, but he'll also need make it clear that their life as partners is over and slowly introduce his ex to the idea that there's someone new.
Don't push to immediately be included in all family outings, but make a gradual integration a condition of sticking with him, if it's that important to you.
Dear Double Take,I have been dating a guy for a little over a year. When we met, he told me he had two children of his own and two others he helped raise. I came to find out that all four are his children.I have three children of my own from my marriage and have tried to be understanding since we both came with a lot of baggage.Three of his children's mothers have called the house, and we have no problems. He talks to them and the children in my presence.The fourth is another story. She has the youngest child, and he has only spoken to her twice in my presence. When he goes to bring her something for the baby, he won't answer his cell phone.I have tried to talk to him several times about this, to no avail. He feels it is not my concern and that it will only cause problems if he talks to her around me. She does not like me and thinks that I am the reason they broke up. I didn't even know him when they broke up.He also treats this child differently than the others. If the mother calls very early in the morning, he goes running. The other children are lucky if he calls.He keeps saying he wants to marry me, and he is good to my kids, but I don't think I can deal with the "secret" phone conversations and visits with the child's mother. Am I just being crazy?
EDDIE SAYS:
Let me get my calculator here ... This guy is dealing with seven children and five women. While I should scold him for ignoring his other kids, I can see how he's so overwhelmed he decides to just focus on one. (And let's just set aside how confusing it will be for his kids to sort out their half brothers and sisters down the road).
Good that the other three women like you. But if you put any group of five women together who don't have something in common, it's likely two of them won't like each other, or one will just be mistrustful. Maybe that's just how she is, and he's doing what he needs to do to keep in touch with a child that he -- for whatever reason -- favors.
Unless you're really willing to make an effort to befriend this woman, then your best bet may be to just sit back and allow him some space on this one to be the kind of father he needs to be.
ALANA SAYS:I'm somehow getting this image in my mind of you determinedly dialing his cell phone over and over when you know he's going to be at this woman's house. If that's really the case, then, yeah, you're a little crazy.
More likely, though, you're not glued to the phone. Instead, you're just peeved that you're left out of this part of your boyfriend's life. And I agree; I'd be suspicious and annoyed, too -- especially with a guy who obviously has a history of jumping from one relationship to the next. But within your relationship, has he given you a real reason to distrust him?
The lady obviously took the breakup hard, and she's going to be soaking up every minute he's willing to give her. But unless he's spending an unreasonable amount of time at her house or you pick up some other unsettling sign that he might be cheating, just back off and be quietly content that you got the guy in the end.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
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