Dear Double Take,I recently relocated to Texas to be with my fiancé, who I met and dated while I lived in Florida. We dated for a year and were engaged six months before I moved from Florida. I gave up a job and a place that I absolutely loved to move to Texas to be with him. The goal was to plan our marriage and start our future together. I flew to Texas in October to help pick out our new house and everything.
Well, when I moved to Texas and we moved into the new house, everything fell apart. He showed me that he really wasn't interested in communication (I talked, he shut down), he wasn't interested in my life (he never came to my new job, he never got involved in any outside activities in which I participated), and he wasn't interested in having a wife.I came to the conclusion many times in the past six months that I have to move on. I am in the process of moving out, but I am so hurt and confused by his actions. If he didn't want me here, why did he agree with the move? I'm so filled with "why" questions that I don't know where to start. I have so much resentment and hurt that it's almost unbearable. I have to find a place to live, I'm in a state with no family and no friends (just co-workers) and he is just ice cold. What would make a person treat someone like this?
ALANA SAYS:Uh oh. It sounds like this was a long-distance relationship that wasn't so sweet when the two of you were actually together every day.
You've heard the horror stories about these types of things. Some people long for more than just a daily phone call from their long-distance love, while others think it's wonderful to talk to someone on a daily basis and then have their own lives as soon as they hang up the phone.
Unfortunately, these folks don't generally realize they're not ready for a face-to-face relationship until they're thrown into the situation.
The dynamic of your relationship has changed now that you've been living together. It's unfortunate that it's changed for the worse, and it's annoying that your fiancé didn't talk openly with you about his uncertainties ... but one thing is certain: More time isn't going to heal this one.
You've moved out -- now create a life of your own in Texas or move back home. Whatever you do, don't look back.
EDDIE SAYS:Does the "why" really matter? It's done. You know it, and he doesn't seem to be doing too much to convince you otherwise.
Until you get a bit more distance from it -- and it sounds like you're well on the road, with your own place and places to go and people to see -- I guess pondering what happened is all you have for now.
Don't keep yourself in a place where you stew over this for very long, but we'll allow you some time to reflect before you move on with life in the Lone Star.
Here are some possible answers to The Big Question:
He never really wanted you to move, but you sounded excited about it, and he didn't know how to say no. Conclusion: He won't stand up for himself; you don't want him.He wanted you to come out, but changed his mind when you got there. Maybe it didn't match his fantasies, maybe something else in his life changed. Whatever the reason, he wasn't upfront with you about it. So he doesn't deserve you.He wanted you to come, but the relationship just drifted. That happens all the time. Unfortunately, you made a lot of changes in your life for it. But there's no reason to feel bad; he probably wasn't malicious. It just happened. The circumstances are tough, but you'll be stronger for it.
Dear Double Take:My husband and I recently celebrated our seven-year anniversary. It seems for the past several months he has become very distant.I don't believe that he is cheating, but he finds reasons to not come home. He takes time for his hobbies and to stop after work to hang out with the guys; I feel like he is so disappointed that he has to work hard to make the mortgage and put food on the table that he literally has resentment for me and the kids and just doesn't want to be at home.He doesn't want to be here to mow the grass, let alone spend time with his kids. He says things like, "You wanted kids, you wanted to stay home with them. I don't want to mow the grass or fix gutters."What can I do to not feel like such a burden? Can I make him want to be with me and the kids? How can I make him proud of his home and family?
EDDIE SAYS:I'll admit, this is a tough question for me.
First of all, I usually find it suffices to ask the person how they let themselves get into a bad situation and suggest they get out. Plus, I
like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from taking care of the tasks around the house that make things work right and look nice -- even if I hate finding the time to do them.
My advice for your husband -- not that he asked -- is to suck it up. Being a husband and a father means you have responsibilities. They're not always the most fun things, but part of the deal of having that kind of life is you do the things that need to be done.
It does sound like he's disillusioned with that life, however. There's no quick fix to somehow make him start to feel pride in his family and his home.
I hate to offer this advice, because it sounds like typical "here's how to coddle your loser man to train him," but ...
You're frustrated by his behavior, and he surely senses that whenever it comes up. He knows he's slacking, so he gets defensive. Then it's just a fight to have a fight, and nothing gets solved.
Maybe sometime you can calmly ask him to take care of something. Praise him effusively. After a few rounds of that, suggest that while you know he needs his time alone, you need his help at home. Be very grateful and proud when he comes home to spend time with you. Eventually, we hope, he'll get addicted to the praise.
I don't like that you have to be fake and manipulative to get this guy to do his duty, but it might work.
ALANA SAYS:Your husband obviously isn't enjoying his home life very much. There could be a few reasons for this -- does he enjoy his job? Is it getting him down? Maybe those are some issues that need to be addressed.
There's also the fact that you and the kids are home all day, probably interacting with few other people. That means he's the guy you're all waiting to see at the end of the day. You all want his attention, when maybe he just wants some time to relax.
But your question was how you could stop feeling like you were being a burden. The simple answer: Ask for less. Now, there are some things that need to be done, like the mowing and the gutter-cleaning, but maybe if you were interested in helping him out in the yard, it might be more fun. Maybe you could start planning family activities together.
And let him spend some time with his buddies without griping about how he should have been home mowing the lawn instead. Of course, too much away-from-home time isn't good, but a little bit of friend time is healthy.
That advice goes for you, too. Take some time out for yourself and get involved in something else. That way, you'll bring more than just house- and kid-related issues into your conversations with your husband. Show him that home is a fun place to be because you're a pleasant person to be with.
Of course, there may be absolutely nothing you can do to make this better. It could be that your husband just didn't realize what he was getting into, and he may never be happy with this lifestyle. If that's the case, you're probably better off without him bringing you all down.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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