Dear Double Take, I recently started dating a woman I met while at work. I am 22 and she is 32 and has two boys, 9 and 6 years old. Before we started talking, she had just brokem up with her boyfriend of five years.
At first she was kind of worried about the age difference and her kids, one of whom had been hurt by the previous breakup. But she decided to give it a shot and just to go out and have fun.We started dating once a week, on Saturdays when she could get a baby sitter. After four or five dates, I met her boys. Soon, I started spending the weekends with them, and then I started staying a week at a time.I didn't realize it at the time, but I was crowding her. I would follow her to the grocery store and go with her to work with her horses, take my breaks at work with her and just go everywhere she went.Then she told me she needed some space and that we should quit dating for a while. I really didn't like the idea, but I agreed. She told me she just wants to have the house and kids to herself, and that she has never had time for herself in the past seven years.Is she confused? Scared? She said she still loves me. What do I do? Does she just need time to straighten things out in her head?
EDDIE SAYS:
It sounds more like she used to be confused, but now she's sure about what she wants.
Or, more to the point, what she doesn't want: you as her live-in boyfriend.
She's tried to let you down easy, but you're not seeing it. Wanting space and time for her family may be the full and complete reason, or it may just be a convenient reason to give instead of saying, "I don't like you as much as I thought I would."
It doesn't really matter. She's decided that she doesn't want you as her romantic partner. Maybe you can still be friends, maybe not. You'll just have to let that develop slowly and without putting pressure on it.
Don't just have some fun for a while and secretly wait for her to come back; just assume it's over.
ALANA SAYS:Well, realizing you were crowding her is the first step. That means you've learned something in this experience.
If she says she still loves you, there is a chance it's not competely over. But if she wants to quit dating, give her the space she's looking for -- don't stop by, don't call, don't take breaks with her. If she reaches out to you, be as friendly as you can be, but don't use it as an opportunity to fall in step behind her again.
You'll know pretty quickly whether she just needs a little time or if it's over for good. If she basks in her new independence and makes no effort to contact you, then Eddie's right -- it's time to move on. But if she finds a way to keep you in her life, some watchful waiting might be appropriate -- but keep your distance until she actually says she wants more.
Dear Double Take,I have been with my fiance for almost two years, and I love him more than anything in the world. He is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. He also has a 3½--year-old son.But over the last few months, he hasn't been very affectionate toward me. He never kisses me, I always kiss him; and I'm always the one to say "I love you." So I just figured like most guys, he had a problem with showing affection.But he's very affectionate with his son. He kisses him a million times a day and says "I love you" 2 million times. So I'm thinking that maybe he just has a problem with me ... that maybe he doesn't love me as much as I thought. I just don't know what to do. I'm very unhappy and I don't want to give up because I want this man in my life.
ALANA SAYS:I'm allowed to say this because I'm a girl: You are being stereotypically female about this.
Have you talked to him about your concerns? Don't start analyzing this type of stuff and jumping to conclusions before hearing what he has to say about it.
Maybe he just feels comfortable in his relationship with you, and this is a signal of it. The way he shows his feelings about you isn't necessarily going to be the same way he shows affection to his son.
I'm not saying that it's OK that he doesn't initiate the kisses or the "I love you"s, but if he doesn't know that it bothers you, he can't explain himself or consider changing it.
EDDIE SAYS:Alana's right that there's a stereotype that women are more emotionally open and need their reticent men to say those three little words more often.
But carrying it so far that you're actively jealous of a man's affection for his son is an atypical level of insecurity.
Maybe he does need to pay a bit more attention to you; maybe not. But you certainly need to take a good look at yourself, and how you're going to handle this sense of competition you feel with his son if you're going to be his new mommy.
You want a bit of comfort? OK. Maybe it is easier for him to open up with his son because at that age there's not really vulnerability in it. You could change your mind, leave and hurt him. His son isn't going to do any of those things.
Your fiance probably has enough love and affection to go around, but most likely not enough to have to count every kiss he gives his child so that he can make sure you feel like you're getting a fair share.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
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The story Crowding Her Out is provided by LifeWhile.
