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Baby Betrayal

Woman Feels Her Husband Doesn't Care About Her Health

Updated: 12:57 pm MST November 19, 2004

    Dear Double Take,

    My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We went our separate ways after school, just to find each other again and marry. We have been married five years now, with a 2-year-old son. It sounds happily ever after ...

    Double Take

    My husband has always expressed his need for a big family. Although I wanted children, I always disagreed with the football-team family idea. During my pregnancy with our son, I encountered complications and needed an emergency C-section. We were fortunate to be all right.

    Since then, I have been battling high blood pressure and weight issues, and my physician has advised that we should wait on expanding our family.

    My husband wants to try to keep up with friends who are already on their second or third child, so they all can grow up together. He admits he has sabotaged our protection, which resulted in my five-week pregnancy.

    He does not appear to care what could be the ultimate cost. Not being able to take medication for my blood pressure has me worried. I have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and I am terrified of picking it back up again.

    I also feel betrayed and feel like my husband looks at me as a baby machine.

    Should I be celebrating and continue to stay as healthy as possible, or seriously consider other options despite my husband's desires?

EDDIE SAYS:

A second betrayal will not improve your marriage. While I won't issue a blanket condemnation of what we'll delicately call "other options," to do so without reaching agreement with your husband would mean terminating your marriage.

It sounds like that's not what you want. You're looking for your lifetime lover to open his eyes a bit wider than just his desires.

Most people have an idea what they want their families to look like. Everyone has a right to go for what their heart envisions. But circumstances like a partner who has other thoughts or medical requirements sometimes means just being happy with what you have.

Naturally, giving up his gang of kids will be hard. But you must make him see -- with whatever help you require -- that sacraficing hypothetical progency is the price he's going to have to pay to not lose his current spouse and children.

His obsession with this should not put your health so clearly at risk.

First order of business after doing whatever your doctor says to have a healthy and safe pregnancy is to look into a form of birth control that he can't tamper with.

ALANA SAYS:

That kind of betrayal would be incredibly hard to forgive ... and frankly, I'm surprised your letter doesn't sound more bitter. But looking beyond that ...

This really comes down to what you want. Take your husband out of the mix for just a second: Do you want this baby? If your doctor gives you confidence that, with care, you'll come through the pregnancy OK, can you bring yourself to be excited about this baby?

If the answer is no, that means you have to have a serious conversation with your husband about your feelings. I agree with Eddie, though, not to act on any "other options" without coming to an agreement.

Now, let's bring your husband back into the conversation. This guy needs some type of intervention -- seriously. If he's not listening to you when you express concerns about your health -- and your desires for your family -- get someone else involved. Whether it be a doctor, a counselor or another family member that he trusts, get some help in getting through to him.

    Dear Double Take,

    I am a 25-year-old female dating a 21-year-old male (soon to be 22). We have been dating about five months. I have a 6-year-old son, and my boyfriend is good with him.

    He is not your typical 21-year-old guy. He is very calm doesn't really like to go out and party. Things have been going pretty well between us. But just recently he has expressed concerns of being "freaked out." He thought things were going fast and that he is young. But then in the next sentence, he said that he doesn't want to be without me.

    Then he just kind of dropped the subject. He doesn't really like to get into "serious" discussions. He has seemed a little distant since this conversation. What should I do? Should I assume he wants to continue this relationship, or should I question him?

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ALANA SAYS:

If your boyfriend has returned to normal behavior, I wouldn't be too concerned that he's waiting for an opportunity to bolt. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it.

You're both young, and your relationship is young. You don't have to make any lifelong commitments at this point. When you ask your boyfriend if he's still feeling "freaked out," make sure he knows you're not pushing for a marriage proposal or anything; you just want to make sure he's happy with how things are going.

And whether he likes to get into "serious" discussions or not, you need to have them every once in a while. If he's as mature as you say he is, he'll deal.

EDDIE SAYS:

You'd have a bigger problem if this were a 21-year-old guy who didn't at least occasionally think, "Whoa, am I missing out on something?"

He's deep in the thick of a stage where he spends a lot of time thinking about what he wants from his life, and what it takes to get there. No matter how much he loves you, one of the options he has to think about is, "Does this relationship fit into my overall plan?" Or maybe even "Do I want to make this woman the focus of my life?"

Sometimes, even if a guy is feeling freaked out, just saying it out loud can take the edge off, and make him realize that it's OK to feel the odd twinge of doubt in even the best relationships.

It's a lot to handle, and just be glad that he's willing to talk about it with you, even if only a little.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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