Dear Double Take,
I am have been exclusively dating a man for 3½ years. I was 21 and he was 26 when we started dating. After about two months of dating, he started mentioning his fantasies about our future together from time to time. Once in a while, I asked when engagement would occur, and he always postponed it until our next anniversary, next Christmas, next New Year's, my next birthday, etc. It never happened.
For a long time, I was disappointed, but now I am not as interested.
The main problem is that he's a dreamer in general. He says he'll do things and never does them. This man is 30 years old, still hasn't finished college yet and lives at home with his parents. He assured me his situation would change throughout the years, but it never did.
I am still in love with him, but I am wondering if I should consider breaking it off in the next 6 months to a year if things don't improve. I'm afraid I won't meet anyone who loves me as much as him or who I click with as well as him. At the same time, I'm afraid I will miss out on the chance to meet a more independent, stable man who will love me just as much.
Is this a bad situation? People gawk when they hear my boyfriend is 30, still living at home, and making under $30,000 doing nothing productive. What is your opinion on this man?

EDDIE SAYS:

My opinion on him is about the same as yours: He's a guy who can't give you what you want out of life.

Maybe he's a loser. Maybe he's just frugal. Maybe he's a mama's boy. Maybe he's incapable of growth. It doesn't really matter which of those is appropriate for him. He's not appropriate for you. If he was going to grow out of this phase and become like most adults, he probably would have done it by now.

Even if he would change, do you want to spend a few years teaching him how to deal with living on his own, be an adult? You'd either resent having to baby him, or end up being just another mother to him. At best, you'd be teaching him basic life skills just when you'll probably want to move on to advanced things, like raising babies.

I'm sure you do love and care for him, but it's time to find someone who can be a partner to you, not a project.

ALANA SAYS:

Yes, this situation goes beyond just finishing college or just moving out of his parents' house. His "dreamer" tendancies have always frustrated you, and it's best you get out now, before you get dragged in deeper.

However, when you break up with him, be prepared for more promises -- he's likely to make them. But you, more than anyone else, should be skeptical of his promises; the chances of him following through are slim, and even if he does follow through, similar stuff is going to keep coming up.

Hold your ground. You have to do what's right for you, so just keep remembering the nagging frustration you've been feeling these last few years -- and make it a clean break.

Dear Double Take,
I have been dating a man for two months. Everything has been truly a fairy tale up until three weeks ago, when his personality started to change. I asked him what was wrong. He said that although he was talking of marriage and children with me, he needed more personal space. I agreed and backed way off. Still the moodiness continued, and yesterday he admitted that his ex-girlfriend had started calling him again and that he is confused.
I told him to go back to the person who lied, manipulated him and cheated and that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.
I have been crying for two days straight and sick to my stomach. I feel I did the only thing I could, but you tell me what you think.

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

ALANA SAYS:

Don't take this the wrong way; I think anybody would feel a little threatened if our partner's ex started contacting him/her again. But, actually, your boyfriend was doing the honest thing by telling you he's confused. Did you really have to fly off the handle like that?

Again, I'm not about to claim I wouldn't have done the same thing. But looking in from the outside, like I have the privilege of doing, maybe you could have offered a little understanding -- you are, after all, only two months in. He's just confused, you know. It's not like he's cheated on you.

That said, along with understanding, an ultimatum wouldn't be out of line. He has to make a decision. And if he chooses you, he has to cut off contact with the ex ... period.

Now dry your tears and give your guy a call. Here's hoping he hasn't taken up the other option, thinking it was the only one left.

EDDIE SAYS:

If you were together two months and problems started three weeks ago, that means you had all of five weeks to get to know him.

He probably wasn't being moody. He was probably just off the best behavior that we all have for the first few weeks when we're trying to impress someone new, when we're all full of the good vibes from something interesting and refreshing.

Now you're seeing the real guy. He's not a guy you like that much. He's a guy who is at least partly still trapped in his last relationship.

Fortunately, he's not a guy that should be all that deep into your life. You may like him a lot, think you're falling in love with him, even. But you don't have a house, don't live together (I hope), don't have kids. You probably don't even have framed pictures of each other.

Let him know you don't want to be second place. If he wants to be with you, great. If not... there are a lot of guys out there who can manage to be pleasant for several months on end.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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