Dear Double Take,I am 31 and have never been married. I don't want children of my own because I don't want the responsibility. I have been dating a guy for almost five years now. He is divorced with two boys, ages 12 and 9. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world. He has given me a ring and wants to get married.
I would like to marry my boyfriend, but I feel that I can't because of his ex-wife and kids. He says the kids love me, and the younger one does hug me, but the older one can go for a day without speaking, so I feel uncomfortable.His ex-wife is something. She doesn't work, she has a Web site with naked pictures of herself, and she hates me. She will roll her eyes when my name is mentioned around the kids, even if they are the ones who mention it. She is remarried with another kid but still asks my boyfriend what it would take for him to come back.I love time alone with my boyfriend and feel the kids are in the way. I wish I did not feel this way, but anytime we have something planned and if his ex calls and wants him to take the kids to ball practice, then that is what we do. I know kids come first, but is there ever an end?I don't mind having the kids every other weekend and on Tuesdays, but when it is more than that, I have a problem with it. He has a court date to see about custody, so I don't know what will happen if he gets custody of them or just one of them.I have talked to my boyfriend about it, and I think it is up to him to say no to his ex-wife, but he thinks if he doesn't do these things that he is abandoning his kids.Sometimes I feel that I should find someone who has never married -- which is nearly impossible. Sometimes I think if I could only feel different and be numb to the situation, it would work, and sometimes I blame him for how things are because he is the one with the power to change things. Can anyone relate to me?
ALANA SAYS:Well, your gut instinct is correct -- you can't marry your boyfriend if you feel like his kids are in the way. That wouldn't be fair to anyone.
Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by prioritizing his boys -- even if the ball games do come up at the last minute. Sure, there could be some communication gaps between him and his ex, and smoothing those out could alert you to these events ahead of time. But his priority is spending as much time as he can with his kids -- and that's a good thing. Don't come between him and his boys by being less than supportive of that.
I'm more curious about why you stuck with this guy for nearly five years, what with your feelings about his kids. You must have known that a ring was coming sooner or later, and I'm guessing your attitude about his kids and ex-wife didn't just become apparent to you. You're probably going to crush your boyfriend when you break it off with him, since you apparently haven't made clear your uncertainty about a lifetime together.
Get out of the relationship and look for someone who doesn't have kids. When you find that guy, be very clear about not wanting any.
EDDIE SAYS:Alana's covered how you should handle this situation. So, let's briefly take a look at you.
You're selfish. This isn't just the "all parents think the childless are selfish" thing, because I don't feel that way. It's not for everyone.
I don't think your problem is giving up time and plans to children. It sounds more like the issue is that you want to be The Big Thing in your partner's life. I bet if he had a job responsibilities, or an ailing parent to take care for or a lot of hobbies, you'd feel like those were infringing on your rights as his lover.
It's important for people to give their partners lots of attention, but you sound like one of those folks who needs to be No. 1 all the time.
Maybe you need to change that about yourself, maybe not. But you need to realize it's what you're looking for when you find someone new.
Dear Double Take,I have a child who started to read in preschool. Upon entering elementary school, he started in some gifted classes. By fourth grade, however, my child became a chronic underachiever. Now, he's in the ninth grade, where grades really count -- and he is getting all Ds. Nothing seems to motivate him. My child does not have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, nor is he learning disabled.Any suggestions?
EDDIE SAYS:My first guess is wonder if anything changed -- divorce, death of the other parent, moving to a new town, new friends? Any of those could be a factor.
In a way, though, none of that matters. What matters is getting this guy on track before he loses too much ground. (Not that you can't recover from doing poorly and still succeed in life, but it helps to set a good foundation.)
Talk to him, find out why he doesn't care about school much any more. There's a chance it's the ol' "It's beneath him, so he's bored," thing, but it could be something else. Maybe he has a different life in mind -- perhaps as an artist -- and just feels that high school doesn't offer what he needs to succeed.
If that's the case, you could balance things out a bit -- if he gets grades above a certain level, he can take some courses in that area.
There are guidance counselors and all manner of other folks who could help, but the first thing you need to do is find out if there's something you son wants.
ALANA SAYS:The fact that he picked things up so quickly when he was young suggests that he has the talent to be succeeding in school -- but something is standing in his way.
I'd take a look at his friends. Could they be influencing him to do poorly? Maybe in that peer group, doing well in school isn't cool.
I encourage you to take Eddie's advice and start with talking to your son about his problems, but the bad news is, most ninth-graders I know don't want to discuss their school lives in very much depth. Still, maybe he can shed some light on to this issue, especially when you explain how much more important that report card is now that he's in high school.
It could also be that there are some larger underlying issues here -- depression, low self-esteem, etc. -- about which Eddie and I admittedly aren't qualified to give much advice. See how your chat goes with him, and that should give you a signal about whether your son might need extra help.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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