Dear Double Take,
I have been engaged for two years and I have been planning the wedding the whole time. This weekend, my partner told me that he used to be gay.
This hurts so badly. Where do I go from here? Can you be gay at one time and never be gay again? Will I marry him and one year later have him find a man that he loves and wants?
I want to be there for him; I wanted him to know that I still love him. So we continue to have sex, and I start thinking about him with a man and I can not get it out of my mind. There are a lot of things I want to know, but I am scared of what the answer will be.
I do not have any friends or family who will understand this. I am scared of the way I will act if he says, "I cannot be with you any more."
He is the father of my two boys and they cannot live without him. I love this man so much, but I am scared. He has not talked about the wedding plans. Do I ask him about the wedding? I have spent so much money on this wedding stuff that I hate going home because I have a house full of it.
I am mad at his mother and sister because I thought we were close. They never told me or even hinted.
I am scared that I may lose my mind and do something crazy.

EDDIE SAYS:

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

That's better, isn't it? Nobody's doing anything crazy on our watch.

I can see why finding out something like that would make you question things, but let's look at what we have here. A guy who has been committed to you for a few years. A guy you seem to trust, since you say you love him, approve of the way he treats his kids, and agreed to marry.

You have a right to be freaked out and surprised, but not scared that it makes him more likely to cheat. People who are attracted to those of the same sex aren't inherently any more likely to be promiscuous. Maybe he was just experimenting, maybe he's attracted to people of both genders. Either way, the person he's chosen is you.

And I wouldn't blame his family, either. Since it hasn't been his whole life, maybe they don't know anything about his homosexual period. What would you think if he didn't tell them, but did share with you? Would that be a sign that he's trusting and committed?

A talk with him is in order, naturally. You have a right to find out if it was a one-time thing, if he's still attracted to men and if he thinks he can live a full life with just one person (male or female). If he gives the right answers to that, work with him about setting a wedding date.

ALANA SAYS:

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's get a couple things straight right off the bat. First off, if you've been with this guy for several years and this is the first you've gotten word of any gay tendencies, I think you can probably rest easy -- chances are this wasn't a big part of his life, otherwise you would have heard about it from his friends or family, if not him.

Secondly, and perhaps not directly on the topic, why would you think he suddenly doesn't want to get married? Why are you afraid of asking him about it? Don't engaged couples talk about their upcoming nuptials pretty regularly? Well, maybe that's not the case, but if you two aren't on the same wavelength about getting married, that alone signals some communication problems.

The bottom line: In this day and age, you're likely to run into some people who have done some experimenting, sexually, in their younger years. As long as it's no longer an issue for him, don't let it become one for you.

Have a heart-to-heart talk. Give him a chance to quell your insecurities. He must have trusted you to tell you about this, so hold your end of the bargain and be as supportive as you'd want him to be if the roles were reversed.

Dear Double Take,
When I was 14, I fell head-over-heels in love with a 15-year-old boy in my band class. We had so much in common. The attraction was mutual and immediate. We dated exclusively all through high school. We headed to different universities to allow each other time to date others, grow and mature. We believed that if it was meant to be, it would be. We reconnected numerous times throughout our university experience, and our feelings for one another only intensified.
We were engaged to be married. Then, inexplicably, at the age of 21, I decided that we needed to settle into our careers before marriage. Yet again, we went our separate ways and gradually, over time, lost touch with one another. Not a day went by that I did not think of this love. Time passed, he moved, I moved, and I was unable to locate him. Taking this as a sign to move on in my emotional life ... I did. At the age of 26, I married another man, raised three children and had a successful career.
The problem is that after all these years, I continued to feel the pain of losing my first love. I even continued to search for his whereabouts on a university Web site.
Unknown to me, he, too, had been searching for me. Then, 23 years after our parting, he e-mailed me, and we have been corresponding ever since. We are both married but continue to feel this tremendous loss. The feelings have only intensified, and he fills my thoughts. I have never had this powerful an emotional connection with anyone else in my life, including my husband. We both acknowledge this intense "soul-connection" but would never do anything to jeopardize our marriages.
Is this a normal feeling, or were we truly "meant to be"? Timing never seemed to be on our side.

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

ALANA SAYS:

How's that for a love story ... that doesn't quite end up with a happy ending?

It's great that you've reconnected with your soul mate; it seems you both appreciate having each other in your lives. My question: Does your husband know about it?

If he doesn't, my guess would be that you do have romantic feelings about him -- enough to put your marriage at risk, whether you physically act on them or not.

And don't give me the excuse that you don't want to hurt your husband. Chances are he wouldn't plunge into a jealous rage because you've reconnected with an old friend via e-mail; after all, you do have a couple decades of marriage under your belt from which he can draw trust. If he doesn't know, it's because you're afraid of your feelings about your long-lost love.

But if you've talked to your husband about this guy, I say carry on. Soul mates don't have to be marriage partners -- they can be best friends. As long as you and your newly found friend agree that romance is not in the equation, and you're carrying on a healthy friendship about which your spouses are both aware, then good for you. I'm sure your soul mate connection creates envy in more people than just me.

EDDIE SAYS:

There's not much to add to Alana's lovely answer.

However, it's obvious that while you'd never actually do anything to harm your family, there's a part of you that really wants to. And that's fine. That can add an exciting little thrill to a friendship. So long as you're really committed to not doing anything (and you seem to have the advantage of distance to make sure you don't.)

But to reinforce the idea, just keep repeating this to yourself:

"No matter how wonderful he seems, someone, somewhere is sick of dealing with him."

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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